FAWM song: Dammit, Gandalf! from The Unexpected Musical (based on An Unexpected Journey)

Bilbo: I can’t believe you would do this, Gandalf! I thought I made it perfectly clear when I said “NO, I don’t want to go on any adventures!” But then you went behind my back and invited some dwarves over when I clearly didn’t want any guests!

Gandalf: But Bilbo….

Bilbo: I’ve had enough of your adventure crap!

Gandalf: And I’ve had enough of you being a homebody.

Bilbo: GAH!!!!

(music starts)

Dammit Gandalf, what were you thinking? I didn’t ask for this evening!
Dammit, Gandalf, and guess what? There’s dwarves everywhere messing up my house!
They have taken all the food and drank all my wine, and I’m not going to mention what they did to the toilet!
You weren’t thinking when you told them to come to my house
And now I don’t know how I’m going to clean up this mess!

Dammit, Gandalf, I can’t believe you, you’re nothing but a guy who goes around causing trouble!
Dammit, Gandalf! And believe it or not, I’m going to call my friends and have them kick the dwarves out!
I’m a Baggins of Bag End, or have you forgot, and I can’t just drop everything for your silly little adventure
Dammit Gandalf, you are such a jerk; I was doing just fine until you walked back into my life!

Kili: Hey Bilbo, we’re washing your dishes
Fili: And we’re cleaning up your kitchen
Kili: We even unclogged your toilet
Fili: You think we’re destroying your house? Don’t be so uptight!
Dwarves: You think we’re going to blunt the knives, and you think we’re going to bend the forks? You think we’re going to smash the bottles and you think we’re going to burn the corks? Chip the glasses and crack the plates? That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf, what is wrong with you? I bet you’re senile, that’s true!
Dammit Gandalf, it’s no surprise, another dwarf will walk through the door and you’ll set me up with him!

Hobbits: There he is, the great disturber of the Peace of the Shire! We are Hobbits, we live our lives the way they’re supposed to be. We don’t care for the outside world and we don’t care about adventures; we just want to grow our plants and to be left alone!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf, what were you thinking? I didn’t ask for this evening!
Dammit Gandalf, what is wrong with you? I bet you’re senile, that’s true!
Dammit Gandalf!

Hobbits: UUUGGGHHH! UUUGGGHHH!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf!

Hobbits: UUUGGGHHH! UUUGGGHHH!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf!

Hobbits: UUUGGGHHH! UUUGGGHHH!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf!

Hobbits: UUUGGGHHH! UUUGGGHHH!

Bilbo: Dammit Gandalf!

Hobbits: UUUGGGHHH! UUUGGGHHH!

(A knock is heard at the door. Music shuts off)

Gandalf: He is here.

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